Massive Mumblings from Malaysia

Something's amiss

I've been waiting. Waiting for phone calls, waiting for friends, waiting for someone to rescue me, waiting for my future. The impatience isn't the "what's taking the train so long" kind; it's more structural than that. Something deeper and more maddening.

The job didn't pan out (jinxed by mentioning it prematurely here, no doubt). So I'm back to visualizing countless possibilities. Should I apply to law school now so I can start next fall? Or graduate school in the UK? Or wait? But if I wait, then that means I've got over 1.5 years to fill up---with what? If I go to Africa for six months after Christmas, will I then be ready to settle down a bit and focus on schoolwork? I actually like the idea of having homework, something to fill the time, and (best of all) deadlines.

I managed to occupy myself for about two days by going out, seeing people. But the last few days, I wake up and think, maybe I should sleep more so I have less hours of the day to fill. Sure, I have work I could do--start working on my final paper or read those chapters I photocopied a couple weeks back--but I can't sit still. This feeling of anticipation makes me look up from the computer or book I'm reading every few minutes.

I thought I'd learned to be by myself since coming to Malaysia. I can happily dine alone now, but the last week has me doubting anything more substantial than that. I have a pattern of seeking out new settings, new people, excitements, distractions. Beneath it all, there's something missing, a sense of emptiness.

With less than 2 months left in Malaysia, I'm a bit surprised by my current funk. That looming departure should set me in motion, put things in perspective, make me feel like I'm running out of time. I guess I'm waiting to leave, too. I thought about going out to explore a new part of town or going to a museum, but I just don't have the motivation. I've possibly watched more TV and movies in the last week than I have in all my time in Malaysia combined. But restlessly, the whole time thinking, what should I be doing? What should I do next?

I've spent a bit of time with a new Fulbrighter; she's been here a month today. She's just starting out and can shape her experience anyway she wants. I'm winding down and maybe I'm a bit envious that she's got a year ahead of her (though I don't want to stay another year; I realize I'm ready to move on). She already has friends with cars who are willing to take her places. She has friends who are girls. She has an advisor who actually advises. Is there a sense of regret? A twinge of if I had it to do over again?

I'm not at the top of my game right now. And I guess I'm waiting for that to change, too.

While I was waiting...

Earth
I went to the grocery store for the first time in months. There used to be one in the mall right across the street, but it closed in May. Since then, I haven't had any food in the house besides the EasyMac I brought from the US. The nearest supermarket is two stops away on the LRT, which really isn't that far. I bought a can of tuna, granola, OJ, milk, cheese, and yogurt.

Fire
I am incredibly annoyed with claims made by male friends lately. Last night, my Omani friends argued that women are not as smart as men. Women aren't in leadership positions; they're not in the army. (Um, historically disadvantaged, kept in the home, only recently got the right to vote, etc.) They cited some doctor who said that a woman has half the brain a man does. (Let me see his credentials.) Women aren't as strong. (Obviously there are biological differences, but there are some women who are stronger than some men and that has nothing to do with smartness.) Women can't control themselves. (What about men who abuse women?) Women cry too much. (Men have been conditioned to not cry, that it's unmanly and unacceptable. Crying shouldn't be seen as a negative.) I'm not saying women are smarter; I'm saying it's not a gender thing, it's a person-to-person thing.

My Malay friend I. said women couldn't be Sufi because they cry too much. A. said it was because we're not patient enough. The reason was later amended to the fact that women are devoted to their children and husbands and therefore cannot give themselves up fully to God in the way a Sufi should. They made the exception that if a woman didn't marry, then she might be able to attain that level--but that a woman's should be married.

(Hot) Air
Z., a Malay nurse, and I are regulars at a restuarant behind Central Market run by a British couple. She came in today visibly upset. Suliman, a Muslim convert from Chicago, helped her get a new job with an Egyptian doctor. Z. put in her resignation at the Chinese hospital maternity ward and started training several days ago. Yesterday and today, Suliman sent her several text messages saying that she must stop disobeying Islam and wear tudung (the Malay word for the headscarf) and that if she would not, their friendship could not continue.

Never before had he mentioned tudung to her. And now, only by SMS. It's as if he did her a favor and now he expects her to obey him. I'm sorry, but just because you have a long, white beard, that does not give you the right to tell someone how to live her life. And besides--appearances are not as important as what you do and how you behave.

Water
It's getting to be monsoon time. 4 pm and the downpour started. I had just gone out and though I had an umbrella, my lower half was drenched because the wind makes the rain fall sideways. I love it. People stand under any awning, at the LRT station. Motorcyclists stop under bridges to wait out the storm. The rain mellows out after half an hour and ends completely in an hour. The sun shines.

As Dolly Parton says, "The way I figure it, if you want a rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain."